Preparing for the Zombie Apocolypse

Zombie Apocalypse Preparation

Our second assignment for MPC 6300 was a podcast.  One to four minutes long, something of personal interest, careful editing and posted on PodOmatic.  Here is my podcast:


http://plumshaker.podomatic.com/entry/2012-05-22T16_24_40-07_00

My goal for doing this podcast was to create some humorous content that could be used in conjunction with a blog that my son and his best friend have started. Although Zombie Apocalypse sub-culture is not something I am very familiar with, I enjoy the rather morbid humor and particular liked the idea of looking at the apocalypse from the side of the zombie.

Tags for this podcast could be “zombie” “apocalypse” “humor” “audio” and “apocalyptic preparations.”

Here is the script for the podcast. Content is retrieved from Cracked.com and the image is retrieved from ZombieTools.net.

Zombie Apocalypse Preparation

Hello and welcome to another installment in the Zombie Apocolypse Preparation series.  I’m your host, Carrie McCloud.

In this episode we are going to approach things a little bit differently than we have before.  Up to now, we have given you tips on shotgun maintenance, fortification repair, and how to select a team of survivors who are slower than you.

But let’s face it, 95 percent of you are going to be “zombified” yourselves.  So after some consultation with the Internet’s foremost zombie apocalyptic experts at “Cracked.com” we have some tips for you on how to zombie to the best of your ability and achieve full un-life self-realization.

#1. Nutrition

The first thing you’ll notice after zombification is the Hunger. You will never not be hungry for the meat of the uninfected, and will want to spend every minute eating human flesh, The problem with your new diet is the lack of necessary nutrients– dietary deficiency will be the cause for much of your bodily decay.  Now the problem that you are goin’ to have is that any food that isn’t human flesh will look about as appetizing as scat on a platter. But it should be possible to trick yourself into eating something nutritious, as your intelligence will have decreased remarkably during the zombification process. By dousing foods in ketchup, you should be able to make them palatable to your blood-seeking stomach — we use a similar technique today with children, also presumably because of their hunger for blood.

#2. Exercise

A basic exercise regimen can also help minimize your natural decay, and allow you to keep up with your primary food source. At least three times a week you should be spending time working on your basic shuffle — slowly increase the length of shuffle as you go, to help improve your necroticardio fitness. It’s also not a bad idea to simply get good at shuffling — you will be doing this a lot.

#3. Social Networking

Science has proven that zombies work better in teams and you’ll find your odds of making it in a dying world will be substantially improved if you form connections with your peers. Having friends around is useful for swarmin’.  To find friends, attend places where there are likely to be other zombies — malls, deserted gas stations, cemeteries — and mingle. Don’t worry if you’re shy, or have confidence problems –. Simply start a conversation politely by saying “Blaaarrragh.” Listen attentively and gauge the other zombie’s response — depending on whether they say, “Blaaaaaarrrgh,” or shuffle a bit to the left, you’ll be able to see whether this zombie wants to be a friend (both those actions indicate that yes, he does).

#4. Self Defense

The most important tip is to travel in a group, as there is safety in numbers.,  Try not to be the first zombie at the scene — these over achievers rarely make it through feeding time with their heads intact.

If at all possible, wear a helmet. Even something as simple as a colander can be enough to offer some protection — perhaps against someone armed with a slingshot, or some uncooked pasta.

#5. Romance

The longing to pair off with a kindred soul has lasted throughout human history, and there’s no reason to think it won’t survive the transition to inhuman history

The biggest challenge with finding said soulless-mate will be the communication difficulties — “Blaaaaaaaargh” can mean both “I am for you, always” and “I have tremendous gas pain.” You’re also going to be cut off from the technological advantages like dating web sites and sexting. Instead, you’re going to be meeting most of your potential mates the old fashioned way — through social circles and peers. It will be a little bit like how they dated in pre-industrial days, so if you have the time prior to zombification, spend some time around Amish communities to get a feel for how that plays out.

Conclusion

Being a zombie is not all fun and games. You’ll be in constant pain, always hungry, usually disoriented and you will fall down — a lot.

With these tips … well … sweetie pie, all those things will probably still happen to you. Sorry. But some of the time horrible things won’t happen to you, and in those times you will be zombieing like all get out!

Until next time, I’m Carrie McCloud and this has been Zombie Apocolypse Preparation.

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